Starting Over
Healing sexual brokenness
You should know i was born into trauma, and as a result, i live with a few serious mental health concerns. I’m professionally diagnosed and in long term therapy. I’m in a monogamous, heterosexual marriage. My children are grown and i have grandchildren. I’ve devoted most of the last 20yrs to learning how to live with the way my brain works. I’m now more functional and capable than i’ve ever been, and next on my to-do list is sex.
How does one write about wanting intimacy and connection within the specific parameters of sex and sexuality?
I sure don’t know, but that’s not going to stop me.
It did stop me, though, for some time. Writing a journal and sharing some of the stuff that was shareable (and maybe some that wasn’t), certainly helped me work through some personal issues. It’s shone a light on where i’ve been and how it influenced who i am. I’ve learned to shine that light in front of me too, which is helping to plot a course forward — something i’ve never thought to do, let alone undertaken. I’ve gotten many aspects of my life in better working order and now i’m ready to tackle sex.
Sharing with others in bloggish style about trying to figure out who i am and what i want to do with that information has proven successful. Writing is more tangible than thoughts, for me. It’s been easier to suss out the truth, and harder to bullshit myself. Still not impossible, but there’s something about seeing it in black and white on the screen that makes it real for me. More real, anyway.
Another thing to know is i read young, but i’m not. I’m simply new. I’m a fresh press of an old album.
Late bloomer? Definitely, but i don’t mind.
Okay, i no longer mind. It does squinch my chest a bit when i think of lost opportunities and what could have been, but i’ve done my grieving. At this point i think it’d be wasted energy, and i need all i have for other things.
I’m figuring everything else out, so why not sex?
My husband and i were both victims of childhood sexual abuse, which made sex an issue. We dealt with it in different ways. He didn’t have experience with serious mental illness until we became a couple. Getting me well was our top priority for a long time, and there wasn’t room for much else. Any problems with sex and sexual intimacy were largely ignored. At a certain point i started getting much better, and once our lives were no longer filled with regular tumult, we found we couldn’t ignore it anymore.
We’ve both been broken by sexual assault. Neither of us had parents that were safe to go to in this area. Neither of us received a proper sexual education, and both of us are somewhat naive and repressed. Although we are best friends, our marriage is suffering and on the brink of collapse.
It’s time to address the elephant in the room.
If we don’t, we’re going to lose the best thing in our lives — each other.
I have a bit of experience with blogging, and i’ve done a fair bit of writing. I’ve also come to know myself and how i work very well. I’m not exactly sure how this blog will unfold, but i do know a few things:
- This is not a step-by-step guide;
- Your mileage WILL vary;
- I’m so far from a professional it is to laugh;
- If i can do this (and that is yet to be determined), maybe you can, too.
Reiterating by way of emphasis, i will be writing about sex here. It will not meet my personal criteria for pornography, but it may meet yours. I’ll be endeavouring to reveal just enough of my personal experience to illustrate my points and (hopefully) be relatable. I’m not trying to be salacious, that’s not the kind of help i’m offering. It’s my belief that i have something to contribute to this discussion that could add value to anyone navigating this minefield.
These days i’m known for my openness, honesty, unwavering pertinacity,and commitment to being as good a human as i can be. My next post will be a little personal history.
Hope to see you there.
